What are these people running from? They're not.
They're running to the world's toughest competition in town...
Most Extreme Elimination Challenge.
Today it's the snack food industry taking on the print media.
It's the classic battle of tummy cramps
versus writers' cramps.
So get fired up for MXC!
And now, everybody's favorite in-between-meal treat,
Kenny Blankenship and Vic Romano!
Hello. We have got a great show today, Ken.
It's the snack-food folks versus the people who bring us the world in print.
Yeah, like the magazine, Shaved Grannies. Kenny!
What? I only read it for the articles. I bet they're very informative.
You know, Kenny, the printed word is sacred.
It's the very pillar of our civilization.
It's how we express ideas. It's like snack food for the brain.
Yeah, looking at porn always makes me hungry. Right you are, Ken.
Then you'll appreciate this. It's a clip from the upcoming Hard Candy.
Hard Candy? Yes, it's a true story of a diabetic teen who tries
to navigate the mean streets of Candy Cane Lane.
Excuse me, boys. I can't eat any of you.
Too much candy, and I practically lose control.
Oh, you all look so tempting.
But sugars, they're really bad for me. They're bad.
Hey, I saw her. Hey, back off.
I saw her first! She's mine! You want a piece of this chewy nugget?
Hey, try me. I'm caramel-filled.
But caramel's still sugar, and it's bad!
You know, there's no pleasing you. Ow! My head!
Ah, terrific scene. Did you learn anything, Ken?
Yeah, don't take candy... From strange candy.
That's right. Let's go to Guy. Thank you, boys.
Today I'll be sharing my duty with my nephew, Gawp LeDouche.
Take it, Gawpie!
Thanks, Uncle Guy. I haven't been this exhilarated
since my first towel fight in gym class.
Hi, Coach Moonie. Today's games are:
Slippery Slope of Slanted Death,
and then you'll be knocked out by Door Jam.
Who doesn't like the vigorous tugging of Circle Jerkers?
And every LeDouche's favorite, Brass Balls.
And now I'd like to say thank you to my colleagues for all your support.
Uh, excuse me. Kojak?
Uh, Kojak. Hello.
Hey! Come here! Hey!
Unhand me!
Wedgie! Wait! You like that camel toe?
Ouch. Who thinks contemporary literature
is in shambles and lacks the great masters...
Shakespeare, Hemingway and Jackie Collins?
Show of hands, now.
Well, you're wrong. I just published the Captain's autobiography,
called, Well, You're Wrong, by the Captain.
You there, editor of Ballet magazine, what did you think of my book?
I loved it, especially that picture of you
sandwiched between Ronald Reagan and Ernest Borgnine.
Neither of those fellows have a bad side.
You, snack fooders, what's on your mind?
I produce my own snacks. It's called Jimmy Junk Food. I got some right here. Look.
Oh, you're kidding me! No, it's right down here. I got a whole sack of it.
Yeah, really. The nuts are dry-roasted. Go ahead and grab a handful.
No, put 'em back in the bag.
Let's go! And we are off to our first challenge,
the Slippery Slope of Slanted Blistering Death
The object... get over the walls, slide down the super-heated solar panels
and cool off in a soothing leech field.
Supplied by Hot Carl's cesspools and spas. Right you are, Ken.
And that pretty lady is Tiffany Pullman.
She's a taffy puncher from White Plains.
She gets over, and look at there! There's the editor of Men's Lycra,
for active guys who like to snug up their junk.
And there's Pete Rosenthal, baseball editor for Balls and Stripes.
Fashion mag for the closeted pro athlete. Oh, look at that.
They're totally bunched up like a peanut nougat-y caramel cluster
of candy corn crunch stuff.
Just like a poorly kerned column of Helvetica Braggadocio.
Are those those candies you used to stick your thumb in and put 'em back in the box?
Or a well-known literary font. And look at that!
The cover ladies of the Harlequin romance novels are making their move!
There's Inga from The Matterhorn Love,
Guinevere from Hot Knights of the Round Table, and right there,
Sheba from Queen of the Mad Cannibals, Rachel from Wet Pillow Nights,
and husky Carlo, hero of Midnight Growler, and of course,
Wingda, the wickedest witch of them all.
I have all those covers in my bathroom.
Oh, look at that guy reaching for a treat. Right you are, Ken.
And hold the presses! It looks like the print people are gonna be headline news,
as they're going for a full front-page press!
Oh, yeah, the snack foodies are coming down from their sugar high.
I think you might be right, Ken. And here comes Mickey Ashner,
editor of Golden Parachute, the magazine for disgraced C.E.O.s.
Lets see what he can do. He's up over the top!
That puts the print people ahead by 1!
Here comes Fred Riverton, maker of Tam-Pops, the kids' monthly pop cycle.
He is the last chance for the snack munchers...
Oh, and the buzzer got off! He did not make it! Let's go to Guy.
And the print media is gobbling up their competition.
Boys, let me hand it back up to you. Mm-hmm.
And here's our MXC Impact Replay.
You can see right here,
Thanks to these hardcover hotties from the Harlequin romance novels,
the print team has rewritten history
and gone into the lead 1 to nothing.
Mmm. These are good.
So, Ken, how'd you like those Little Susie Lard Logs, huh? Tasty?
Ooh, nougat!
When MXC returns, opportunity knocks
as we get Door Jammed.
Got it, Dutch?
MXC is back, with the battle of the carbs
versus the Bards.
Well, it's a great competition so far.
Hey, Vic, I looked at some of the magazines in your trailer.
You stay out of my trailer! Highlights?
Kenny, for your information, the life lessons of Goofus and Gallant are timeless.
They're road maps to good living. Now, let's get door-jammed.
The object is to get through our loathsome labyrinth of deathly doors
and pernicious passages without getting slammed, crammed and rammed
by today's demented doormen
Snaps,
Rack Hole
and Popped.
Oh!
Buy my book!
First up for print media is Ivan Hedley. I hate puppies.
Ivan writes the very first fetish magazine for the patriotic-It's My Doody.
Yeah, my buddy gets it delivered.
They just dump it right on his doorstep.
Would it be in a brown paper bag? Do they set it on fire?
Yeah.
Never mind.
Anyways, there he goes! Ivan making his way through!
Looks like he's already been captured there by our demented doormen.
And there he is. He's getting smeared with some Hot Carl's
all-natural petroleum peep hole lubricant, Ken.
These Tam-Pops are good.
Yes, they are, Ken. And we've got some good action going down there.
Unfortunately not for Ivan, as he is evicted headfirst into the safety fluid.
That's pork rind grease from Chubby Chaseman's House of Swine.
Mmm, that's good fluid, Ken.
Let's take another look at that on our MXC Impact Replay.
Yeah, there he is, just being manhandled,
and he's launched right into the vat of lard.
Right you are, Ken. That's good door-jamming.
Next up for the snackers, Rydell Bryant.
I just pumped a pony!
He makes the Mandingo Pepperoni Stick.
Yeah, once you have this snack, you never go back.
That's what I heard, Ken. And there he goes now,
making his way through those doorjamb thresholds...
Oh! Oh, I think he tripped over his Mandingo.
Next up for print media, Betty Rimmedme.
This is for my Sunday school class,
so don't tell your parents or I'll kill your dog.
Betty's been published in several singles newspapers.
Oh, yeah. She wrote, SWF seeking NS,
unshaven BBBW that likes FF,
S & M, and long walks on the beach.
And who doesn't, Ken? And look at that!
She's been captured by our doormen. Let's take another look.
Kenny, take us through the replay.
Yeah, I think her personal ad's getting answered, Vic.
She's getting a DDW with an FFT
and an MBILT6... Right you are, Ken.
79-4. The magic of the printed word bringing people together.
Good stuff.
Next up, Richard Dickie Weed. I French-kiss my friends!
Dickie makes beef curtain jerky. Yeah, the salt and vinegar is my favorite.
Ah, good stuff, Ken. And there he goes.
Little Dickie making his way through. Oh, he stopped right there!
Oh! Right into the fluid! That was a short run. Let's go down to Gawp,
who had a chance to talk to the beef curtain king earlier today.
So how did you get into beef curtains?
Well, I come from a long line of jerkers. Really?
We have beef curtain hanging everywhere.
I've been jerkin' curtain since I could raise a rod.
The secret is putting rings on it and you salt it,
hang it, peel it back... Mmm, that is some good eatin'.
Next up, Allan Edgar. He's a ghostwriter from Casper, Wyoming,
specializing in books on the afterlife.
Yeah, he won that Spirit award. Right you are, Ken.
And look at him as he's floating through there like a disembodied spirit.
Oh, he's turning around! Having some trouble there. He's a scared ghost.
I think you might be right, Ken.
Oh, definitely not enough life left in this run.
If he's a ghost, why doesn't he fly away or something?
Kenny, he's a ghostwriter. Ghostwriter.
Well, he's not scary.
Yeah, but this run is pretty scary, and I'm sure it's gonna haunt him
for the rest of his days, Ken. It's, like, sticky too.
Right you are, and there he is. He just will not let go.
He is clinging to every bit of life he's got.
Ah! What a shame, Ken.
I hope he has an afterlife, 'cause this life sucks.
Right you are.
Guess what I just made? That's Dr. Olaf Henderson.
He repurposes monosodium glutamate into the very popular MSG Power Bar.
Mmm. Pure preservative. Right you are, Ken.
And look, it seems to be serving him well! We've got a winner, Ken!
Dr. Olaf makes it for the snackers. Oh, and it looks like Pop may have snapped!
If he just grabs one of those trees, he'll be safe, right?
Ooh, or maybe not.
Wow, the brutal strength of Dr. Olaf Henderson, Ken. Amazing stuff.
Those Power Bars really work. Indeed.
So the snack fooders' Dr. Olaf Henderson bites into print media's lead,
and we're all tied up, 1 to 1.
Hey, gather 'round. When MXC returns,
it's Circle Jerkers!
Wheels up, palm pilot.
MXC is back, with the battle of headlines
versus... red vines?
What the hell does that mean?
And we're back. Yeah.
Ken, what's the matter? I can't open my jerky drops.
What's the problem? The stupid wrapper won't come off. It's like armor plating.
Well, Ken, nowadays packaging not only seals in freshness
but it also protects the consumer against tampering or malfeasance.
You know, in my day it was a simple decorative bow
or perhaps just a little pull tab.
That's all you had. Yeah!
Just yank it off! Yeah, you just yank it off,
and maybe you've got yourself a little caramel or a tasty butterscotch.
Speaking of yanking stuff off, watch this.
Let's go to Circle Jerkers
In this challenge, contestants try to stay in the circle without getting jerked out
by one of our world-class circle jerkers.
There's Purple Package.
Golden Shower Boy. You try to take me down, I'll take you down!
The Red Mute-tant,
and of course, Mel Anoma,
and last but not least, the Green Tea Bagger.
Menacing stuff, Ken. First up, Harold Waffleman.
Ah, and he draws Golden Shower Boy.
Harold, of course, manufactures Gummer Bears.
Yeah, the soft senior treat that won't get caught in your teeth.
Right you are, Ken. Let's see how he does here.
He's got Golden Shower Boy caught in a clinch right there. Uh-oh.
I think he's afraid of getting wet. You might be right.
It looks like he's trying to gum him on the shoulder, Ken.
Waffleman goes for the butt floss toss! Oh, but to no avail!
He hits the ground first. Golden Shower Boy wins that one, Ken.
Let's take another look.
Look, he tried to grab his thong. I think it was all wet.
I think you might be right. They're off to the showers now.
Ah, next up, that's Ralph Crocker.
Oh, and he's got the painfully protruding Purple Package.
Ralph, of course, a writer of the dessert cookbook for bulimics-Toss Your Cookies.
Comes wrapped in a brown paper bag. Right you are, Ken.
Oh, the Purple Package dominating, and right there!
Shoves him out of the circle. That's good jerking, Ken.
Next up, Wendy Lou Bush.
And she draws the dreaded Green Tea Bagger. Oh, Tea Bag!
Right you are, Captain. Wendy, of course, does the voices
for the delightful animated cookie mascots the Queefler Elves.
I love those. Right you are, Ken.
The first match for the Tea Bagger. Let's see how Wendy holds up.
An interesting strategy, making him come to her.
Oh, look. He went right for her voice box.
He's nowhere near her neck, Ken. I think you might be confused.
No, you obviously don't eat Queefler. Right you are, Ken.
Too bad for Wendy Lou Bush. That's the first win for the Green Tea Bagger.
Am I done?
What a good sport. Next up, Louie Sansikes.
Oh, and he gets Red Mute-tant! Louie, of course,
the editor of the Braille men's magazine, Nice Bumps. I knew a blind guy
who felt so many issues that he could see again.
Right you are, Ken, and let's see how Louie does here. Oh!
And he makes short work! He manhandles the Red Mute-tant.
Good stuff.
And here we go. Orville Phlegmembacher. Oh, you've got big blue.
And he's got Mel Anoma. 'Cause it's blue.
Orville, of course, sells lung-buttered popcorn.
Yeah. He really hocks his wares.
Right you are, Ken, and there he goes.
Look at him take on that big, tumultuous tumor.
And he manages to force Mel Anoma out of the circle!
Cut him off like a skin tag. Right you are, Ken.
The snackers doing some powerful jerking today. And here you can see
Orville going headfirst right into that malignancy,
rendering Mel Anoma's efforts benign.
Next up, Ann Hydrous.
Oh, and she's drawn the Red Mute-tant.
Ann, of course, the editor of the rag periodical that comes out every 28 days.
Is that anything like Redbook? Almost, Ken.
And let's see what she does here with the Red Mute-tant.
Oh, they're in a good clinch there!
The flow seems to be going her way, Ken!
Oh, she's down! I think she cramped up.
Could be all that extra water weight.
Next up, Moesha Hymen, The Green Tea Bag.
And he's got the Green Tea Bagger. You got to go.
Moesha, of course, one of the famous Hymen Brothers. They make chocolate-covered cherries.
Oh, I love to bust open a box of Hymens.
Oh, who doesn't, Ken?
Let's see what Moesha does. The Green Tea Bagger
having a big day today, and it looks like it's gonna continue!
Look at that! Into a classic Earl Grey grope.
Oh! Look at him shaking him up with a chamomile crusher, Ken!
And here it goes. I don't... I...
It looks like he's gonna try it!
Yes, there it is... the Darjeeling drop, Ken! Where is he?
Oh, I think he lost sight of him. I think you might be right.
And, oh! And he squats right down there, Ken!
It looks like it might have been a classic tea bagging.
Yes! Oh!
Unbelievable circle-jerking, Ken.
There he goes, off into his corner. The winner is the Tea Bagger!
Takes a nice victory squat.
Well deserved, Ken. Well deserved.
Let's take a look at the MXC Impact Replay.
The Tea Bagger settling down there,
his arms raised in victory, and right here on the reverse angle...
As close as you can get. As close as you want to be.
Oh, God. That is classic Tea Bagging.
Well, that's a troubling image. I'm gonna puke again.
Indeed. So both teams jerk out a win,
and we're still tied up, 2 to 2.
When MXC returns, the squeeze is on
for big brass balls.
Hey, it's a guy thing.
MXC is back for the final battle,
as the snackers take on the hackers.
No, Ken, it's true. I was on the cover of Dancin' Machine magazine
back in May of 1974.
Dancin' Machine... Yep.
Hey, did you wear platform shoes and sing Night Fever
and dance around? Sure did, Ken.
With foxy ladies who loved Vic Romano's 'fro
and put on a snug pair of pants
and hit the discothèque and do the bump and the hustle.
Man, we did a lot of blow. Time for Brass Balls!
The name of the game... hang on to your balls, get across the bridge,
without getting them shot off my our assassins.
I'll be manning the balls down here, the contestants will be up there.
Now, buy my book. Hey, ho.
Here's Cal Mina. Get it on!
Cal, of course, the maker of Scabbies, the peel and eat candy treats.
Yeah, they have fruit-flavored knee, elbow, and now
new jalapeño-flavored upper back.
Mmm. Not much for spices, Ken, but I hear it's good stuff.
Let's see what Cal can do here.
He's got a good hold of his brass ball.
Turning a flank towards the gun. That could be a good strategy.
Oh, looks like he got hit hard. I think he's picking his scab.
You might be right, Ken.
No time for snacks in the middle of Brass Balls He needs to focus up!
Lost his brass orb, and, oh, he lost his balance, and that's too bad.
He's down into the net.
I'm wired.
Here's boxing writer Bruce Boom Boom Mancini.
He's the writer of Fist and Cuffs, the first magazine for the gay boxer.
They allow scoring below the belt. Right you are, Ken.
There he goes... Oh! I think he just took a dive.
Right you are, Ken. Unfortunately, boxing, gay or straight, rife with corruption.
Thar she blows! And here's Moby Ishmael,
the developer of the breakfast drink Harpoon Tang.
It's the powdered juice all seamen prefer. Right you are.
♪ Start your day with a zesty bang ♪
♪ A fresh mouthful of Harpoon Tang ♪
It's blow hole-a-licious.
Right you are, Ken, and it looks Ishmael's blown that whole run.
Let's take another look at that. That's our MXC Impact Replay.
Oh, look at him. He's just blubbering all the way down.
Right you are, Ken. There isn't a wrong way to love!
Here's Santa Baba Gannoush. She wrote the first pop-up version of the Kama Sutra.
I have the scratch and sniff edition. I heard it's good stuff, Ken.
Let's see how she does here.
She's very good at using her hands and feet,
knees, as you can see. Oh, the concentration alone.
Total command of every part of her body. Look at her aura.
You can smell it. Right you are, Ken.
And there she is. She's got a hold of her balls. She can't hold the bridge, though!
She loses the brass orb! Uh-oh. She's doing position 24!
Smells like jasmine. Right you are, Ken, and there she's...
Oh, my goodness. Sorry you had to hear that.
I'm an Oreo! Next up, Serge Hathaway,
the inventor of Mulattos, the white cracker dipped in chocolate.
We spoke with him earlier.
For years it's been taboo to mix crackers and chocolate,
but people are much more accepting these days.
I've had both, but never together. Oh, I'll be darned.
And the Captain, of course, a man with not a biased cookie bone in his body.
There goes the neighborhood. Right you are, Ken.
And there's the brass orb. Serge making a good catch,
moving his way across... I think he's gonna go all the way, Vic.
I think you might be right, Ken. Let's see what he does, and he does!
Puts the snackers into the lead, and here's the last chance for print.
Bela Karloff, publisher of an underground newsletter for necrophiliacs.
Oh, and she's dead on arrival.
Right you are, Ken. Let's take another look at that.
As you can see here, catches the ball, takes one to the hip,
and Bela is down and into the net.
Now, look. Right here, Vic. See the fire?
Yeah. And then look over here.
Uh-huh. yes. See right here?
I think I smelled thong burning. Kenny! Let's go to Gawp.
Ah, I can't believe I lost, you know?
I got out there, I felt like someone had shoved me,
and then I hurt my lady berries.
Oh, they were blinking at me.
Thank you, Uncle Guy. I had a wonderful time... almost as much fun
as those movies we used to make in your basement when I was a child.
So the print media gets their just deserts,
as the snack fooders make headlines with a 3 to 2 win.
Hey, Vic, guess what?
Jerky Drops wants me to be their national spokes dude.
It's so much money I can't even keep track of it.
Good for you. I'm gonna be on every magazine with Carmen Electra.
What could be better than that? Well, there is one thing.
It's time for...
Kenny Blankenship's Painful Eliminations of the Day!
Blasting off at number 10, it's the Harlequin girls, who get rouged,
luged, through a deluge of splooge!
And at number 9, Ralph Crocker pulls a big, purple package
and gets circle-jerked all over that nasty brown ring.
And number 8 goes to Olaf Henderson,
who narrowly escapes getting greased up and door-jambed,
but gets caught from behind and mud-holed.
At number 7, that's pretty Candy Cheeks who has a soft spot for the sweet tooth,
but ends up suffering major-ly from tooth D.K.O.
Checking in at number 6, it's Ivan Hedley, who gets a 15-fingered facial
and does a felching forward flip into the mud.
Number 5, lung butter king Orville Phlegmembacher,
who makes quick work and lances that dastardly Mel Anoma.
At number 4 is Cal Mina and his peel-and-eat scabby treats.
He gets picked off from behind and nets zero.
At number 3, Betty Rimmedme, who amazingly
gets greased and manhandled.
Call me Betty. Landing at number 2,
Moby Ishmael, maker of Harpoon Tang,
gets a mouthful and then one-hands it with a firm grip on his ball.
And my most painful elimination of the day goes to...
Moesha Hymen, who gets a full squat thrust
and is painfully tea bagged.
Hey, Moesha, you want a lemon wedge with that?
Wow, that was cool, wasn't it? Indeed.
And remember, what do we always say?
Don't get eliminated!
Give 'em the camel toe!